WeLcomE 2 mY LiFe

mana yang lebih baik?

jadi orang yang selalu selalu tampil tegar dan baik-baik saja, gembira, optimis dan positif….agar tidak merepotkan orang

atau..

apa adanya saja?

sesungguhnya, aku sudah lelah bersandar di bahu sendiri.

“……………………”

“noone knows you any better than yourself”

“so, hey you! yes you, my reflection! stop expecting people to understand you!!”

andaikan saja alam semesta dan segala isinya ini lebih mudah dimengerti…

*sigh*

I was spending the whole day by sleeping and sleeping..since I hardly ever get a good sleep lately due to too many bad dreams…since I was trying to ease myself, releasing those negative energy within me…and since I needed to turn off my head for a while.

awaken for a couple of times, felt so dry in my mouth and sweaty. yeah, bad dreams hit me again.. never paid attention to them though.. i just kept pushing myself to continue sleeping and hoping that every worry and fear and anger and misery and their siblings can soon be disappear.

until i was tired of sleeping..

I went down the stairs like a zombie..slowly went to bath and still kept thinking *damn brain*… many “why” that mostly were pointed to myself, flew freely inside my head.. hurting it too..*sigh*

while in the middle of my chaotic mind, I heard news that my auntie has passed away this evening. Had been suffered from cancer, and probably bitterness of life that she had been holding too long since my uncle left her in the eye for another woman, and must she work so hard to sustain living fairly since then, and how our relatives had been neglected her instead that they are living nearby!…i felt my heart crushes..and still.. never i agree to unfair treatments.

so i cried… cried for her…cried for her only child…and also cried for myself…

“it’s okay..it’s perfectly healthy” so i said to myself..it means that my heart is still working properly, isn’t it? didn’t go numb like i have always been afraid of..

i am indeed miserable, bearing pain in my head and my chest, and also realize that i am not the only one..i bet you are suffering too..and also my cousin too..

and how we gonna get out of it? or might as well enjoy it until it slowly disappears? and what is left then?

something good? something bad? or just nothing?

again, i ask too many..and perhaps have been asking too much too..*sigh*

at many times, i really want to bang my head to the wall to pull the curiosity out of me.. but then again, I will not become who i am anymore.. i just need to learn how to put my curiosity in the right place and in the right time.. and also learn, that not every people can deal with that willingly. and if they are…. they are also human being..have limitation in patience and kindness hehehehehe

hemm, i guess…writing down my mind and my heart is really a medicine..

I remember how I began this writing with such an awful feelings…and i am about to end it with a surprisingly much lighter feelings..

go away very very far away negative feelings! *syuh syuh*

*tarik napas panjang2 ah*

Feeling so lonesome and gloomy these couple of days…

Couldn’t sleep as early as usual..it’s like my mind and body were waiting for something that i couldn’t even tell what it was..they refused to shut down..so exhausting…

n when I finished working, i didn’t rush myself reaching home like I usually do…

Because I couldn’t find my reason to go home at soonest like I used to…

Because I couldn’t find you there at home….

I guess, without you…am so lost..

missing you badly..

yeah…finally reached my end of 20s.. and they said woman’s life begins at 30.. they gotta be kidding me… what should i consider my 20 years past of life journey then?

a preparation to enter the age of 30?

a trial and error of what kind of ‘creature’ and ‘feature’ you wanna blend into you? or should i just say a true finding of who you really are-both inside and outside-, just to simplify ;p *yea yea*

or 2 full decades to be wasted and tested for fun because once you hit 30, life can never be as hilarious as before?

or what?

i would say…a mixture of all.

anyway, this is not the point at all..since i hit my maturity age at 24 ;D

it’s only the intermezoo hihihihi, why so serioussssss ^.^

*trying to stay focus*…ok, here we go.

there are so many happenings i’ve been thru this year..*and it’s not the end of the year yet!* but only few i want to keep within mind and heart..

one is regarding to the fact that i am being loved… and able to love…

another is regarding to the fact that true friends do exist and having trust in me no matter ‘feature’ i was showing… because they knew the ‘real creature’ inside me.

not many could see me as an empathetic person..

not many could really tell that i have good smile.. *since smiling is expensive in my ‘world’ hehehehe*

not many could sense that i have good heart..*while my evil mode is mostly on*

and most people see me as the wolverine girl version *lol*

and that is why i value my true friends high. and also why i value every experience higher

anyway…i’m 29 now…

by reaching 29, i realize that life is getting harder to deal with..so might as well enjoy it like nothing biggie.

at this age, I realize that the future is very close to my hands..kinda freak me out a little, then again….might as well enjoy it *wink2*

Was it you who spoke the words that things would happen but not to me

Oh things are gonna happen naturally

Oh I’m taking your advice and I’m looking on the bright side

and I’m balancing out the whole thing

Oh but at often times those words got tangled up in lines

and the bright light turns to night, oh until the dawn it brings

another day would sing about the magic that was you and me

‘Cause you and I both loved, what you and I spoke of

And others just read of, others only dream of the love

Oh the love that I love, yeah

See, I’m all about them words

Over numbers, unencumbered number words

Hundreds of pages, pages, pages, forwards

More words than I had ever heard and I feel so alive

‘Cause you and I both loved, what you and I spoke of

And others just read of, and if you could see now

Oh love, love, you and I, you and I

Not so little, you and I anymore

And with this silence brings a moral story

More importantly evolving is the glory of a boy

‘Cause you and I both loved, what you and I spoke of

And others just read of, and if you could see me now

Well then I’m almost finally out of,

I’m finally out of, finally de de de de de de

Well I’m almost finally finally, well I’m free oh I’m free

And it’s okay if you had to go away

Oh, just remember the telephone

Well, they’re working it both ways

But if I never ever hear them ring

If nothing else, I’ll think the bells inside

Finally found you someone else, and that’s okay

‘Cause I’ll remember everything you sang

‘Cause you and I both loved, what you and I spoke of

And others just read of, and if you could see now

Well then I’m almost finally out of,

I’m finally out of, finally de de de de de de

Well I’m almost finally, finally out of words

\”You And I Both\” on youtube

I woke up this morning, and felt that i have been hit by a truck in the mind and body.

and *dunno why* i suddenly felt there’s a tiny leak within the heart affecting my morning mood.

if only i could describe “what”…or just simply put the word “why”. i can’t though

maybe…just maybe….it’s too much.

or maybe, again…just maybe……. it’s just me.

really want to get out of this limitation.

There are 2 types of people in friendship that would make me fully upset, the ones that would make me treating a friend disrespectfully and leave them behind for good.. they are the backstabbers and the opportunists
i guess i have to add another type that really really really (if only i could say it 1000 times more, just to show how) pissed me off.

i call them The Pretenders.

they pretend to love us, care for us, accept us for the way we are..

smile in our face and talk as in self imaginary once we turn our back..yeah i said self imaginary, because they really enjoy creating story based on their self thinking while they hardly know me even my outside. and wow..they really believe in it as if it’s the truth, whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

talk sweet and smoothly…trying to utter their curiosity from me, and oh how i naively never realize.

act so generous…as if protecting me from this rude world i’m living, and oh how i was flattered.

and oh how they were so good at it, i buy them

can you just realize that these things you did to me have made me think so hard..what is it with me? what is it with you guys? what about trust? what about don’t judge the book by its cover? what about friend in needs is a friend indeed?

these kinda people have alter me into a person who think that honesty and probity is almost extinct..and we live in a world full of hypocrisy.

and how i become more cynical because of it.

T_T

if you have asked me a long  time ago.. my answer would have been.. nope.

I believe that God give us full authority to decide every aspect, every value, every path in our life. He just throw you choices, we do the decision.

even in love life, I believe that we -in fully conscious- have the power either to close or open our hearty eyes and choose our forever companion to be the one we will actualize the sentence “till death do us apart”.

I could say so, because i thought i experienced enough.

here’s one example i never forget..

i dreamed (and chose) of having a career in tourism field since i was in 3rd junior high. put every efforts to fulfill it since..even making false answers during psychology test in 1st year senior high so the result would come out just like the way i wanted while the fact showed that i was very good in science. n here i am now.

I also believe that ghosts do exist. if i didn’t undergo myself, my logical thinking would deny it.

i believe in many things and versa simply because of the matter of experience.

I know exactly who i want to become, whom i want to be with and versa, and if i want it to happen, i will push myself into it.

and for me.. faith is for those people who never really know what they want for life..or those people who never really struggle, just surrender to life.. faith is like an excuse.

if you have asked me a long time ago.. i would have say, i hardly believe in faith. i said hardly, because i do believe its existence…what i don’t believe is…its power to restrain life.

well i guess life wanted me to learn that not only exist, faith also has power to restrain life.

yes, i can actually do many things to turn things. i have the power like everybody has. but i can’t. really, i just can’t.  it has no relevance with so called the decision.

at this turning point, i somehow see that faith comes beyond our will.

i can be very loving and very mean..

i can be very quiet and talkative..

i can be introvert and extrovert..

i can be attentive and heedlessness..

i can be the saint and the evil..

it’s your attitude to decide

when i feel geeky and kinky..

when i feel sad, when i feel mad..

when i feel weak and hardly speak..

when i feel down for the evils won..

when i feel like needing somebody to understand without nagging me..

your presence has taken me to a solacing sanctuary