My Peaceful Residence

Wish I could tell you how much I miss you that there is no words can describe it thorough..

Wish I could share how much I suffer and want to cry heavily seeing my best friends bearing a tremendous pain now that they lose their unborn son and I haven’t yet given my best support to them..and worse, i could share it to noone. It’s stifling..

Wish I could tell you some stupid things I’ve done recently..you’ll probably laugh out loud the same like Karen did yesterday

Wish I could share about my silly careless sister..she’s so naive when it comes to love..and I’m pretty much the same (no no, not the naive thing, it’s the silly careless thing) so I couldn’t stop her doing silly things..it’s in the blood I guessed..

Wish I could tell you back “I do need you, and I’m here too”

Wish I could say more…but I’m stuck for words, I’m clueless, I’m too afraid..

It was like a lightning strike when I heard the bad news yesterday..

My dearest friends have lose their unborn child whereas the deliverance day supposedly coming just a few more days! and they just announced it excitedly to me over the phone on last Tuesday, expecting me to come and visit them soon and asking me whether I wanted to move to Bali again and be hired as a nanny to their son (of course it’s a joke, nevertheless i captured the idea and framed it) since Bali is in their near plan..

I was shocked and shaky and dazed for quite some times..

So I headed to Bandung a few hours after

When I was there.. I almost failed to show them no tears. It’s breaking my heart to acknowledge and feel how suffering they are from the loss..I pretty much knew their characters. Karen is a good keeper, while Jonas will show everything so clear and straight. but bearing the responsibility as the head household, he acted as strong as he could be, so his dearly wife wouldn’t suffer deeper. He never failed a single tear in front of her (he told me too). He teared in front of us instead which I found it relieving that he could let it all out rather than keeping everything inside for himself as it is not his nature.

And being in the same nursing room with 2 neighbor pregnant moms who soon to be delivering their babies to the world can be traumatic even for us the visitors. Both Rina and Mira couldn’t stand the screams..so they went out for fresh air.

As for myself, I sat next to her, holding her hand, playing at her infussion (hehehe my bad habit), listening to her story and have nothing good to say. wisdom words can be worthless sometimes, and this time, I knew words wouldn’t heal her.

Instead, the thing I could do was telling her funny stories I’ve been experienced since the last time i met her until recent days. we were laughing out loud at many stories and made her right side neighbor pregnant mom stopped the screams right away hehehe…and yeah, the screams her neighbor made were heartrending and funny at once hehehe.. we too were giggling at her right side neighbor, imagining and creating some different scenes for the pregnant mom the same way we always do when we watch movies…until Karen fell a sleep. She hasn’t slept for 2 full days as Jonas said by the way.

At another chance Jonas told me that she cried all the time when she heard a baby’s crying..thank God she is tougher and braver when I met her.

Deep condolence for both of you..I know He has a better plan for you..

A little conversation between my brother and I on a beautiful Sunday night:

My brother: “Have you ever heard Boyce Avenue’s songs ce?”

Me: “……………………*nodding my head*……..”

My brother: “How did you know?”

Me: “…………..got it from……….. *mentioning someone’s name*”

My brother: “I really like his voice and how……….*his voice’s slowly disappeared while I was drowned in my mind*”

after that, he showed me every BA’s video he had..

My brother: “do you know Because of You?” *he started singing the song*

Me: “Yeah, i know…”

oh well, everything is pretty much coming back again..

According to 1 Cor 13:
“……….and though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails……….”

It’s a little wrap up from yesterday’s preaching. there’s more to it when it comes to actualize it to recent life though. Been contemplating it a lot since I almost forgot how to love warmly and unconditionally recently.

I do have some people i care about and and willing to give up my life for.. not many of course. let’s talk some of some of them.

Two small main circles group I have: my family and work environment as my second family.

I think I become a nightmare for my own family. easily get angered, easily get annoyed, difficult to handle, been pain in the ass, talk cruel and harsh….for i know that whatsoever cruelty I have done and been doing towards them, they will never stop loving me..but I forgot one thing, that they are my most precious ones. How could I treat them whom I value so much like that? be it they’re not being a perfect mother, a perfect sister, a perfect brother..am I the perfect one? am I being a good sister and daughter to them? ugh…really..I must get rid of this perfection thingy out from my head.
I’d give up my life for them, no need to argue that. what I must do now is to submit that willingness and love into real acts.

My small work environment..it’s been growing like brother-sister hood. my team mates (who happened only two haha!) always look up for me due to my sickness, endure me being mad and upset all the time, being moody and forgetful, show a never ending patience and support to any bad conditions I’ve been through, trying hard to understand every bit of me. Sometimes they beef about me being crazily stubborn and harsh though. it’s normal under such situation..but even so, I would still be harshly arguing and reasoning about they being careless, being slow, being stupid..yes..harsh indeed.

it’s a miracle for me to have them unconditionally loving me, since I’m fully aware that I’m one of such kind who’s difficult to be with.. no need to give them pressure as it’s already difficult enough to show me love and bear my gestures.

big weigh sigh..oh how i must return to the fold..

geu daen nuh mu dang yeon han du
oonuel nae gae ah bureul muyt nae yo

nan geu jeo jal jin nae da het jo
geu daen jeong mal nal nuhmoo moryujo

geu dae upsido nae ga genchan neul gut gat na you
geu dae nun na up shi genchanayo

dang shin up neun sa sange nuh mu do himdeul eoso soom shi neun na eul onemanghetjo

eotuk ha jo ah jik do nan geudae han madui busuh ji nun haru ull sal a yo
geu dae nae gae malhae ba yo
elawnungae na punintji gedaedo nacheorum
haru ga ah puh go
toh a pun ji malhae ba yo
geu dae wa nan

eemi nomo nutonnayo oori dashi giwhenun eoptnayo
nan ah jik geudell saeng gak hae yo
geu daen a ma aljido moulljo ha
kullkook elungayo elukhae gutingayo
geudae nun eedaero genchanayo
nan ahdwell gut gateundae
gateun sarangeun juk uh do nae gaen uputsultendae

uhtuk ha jo nae ma eumeun geudae nanee myen
nu gu do ahn a jul su upsul tendae
jabal naul jabahjoyo aljanayo
na ran saram ahmulle aesuhdo
geudae ull ji wool suga updangull
jaebal naull jabajoyo

uhtuk ha jo ah jik do nan geudae han madie busuh ji nun haru ull sal a yo
geu dae nae gae malhae ba yo
elawnungae na puninji gedaedo nacheorum
haru ga ah puh go
toh a pun ji malhae ba yo
geu dae wa nan

eemi nomo nutonnayo oori dashi giwhenun uptnayo
nah ah jik geudel sanggakhaeyo
geu daen ahma aljidomoulljo ha

kajimallaedo meomch’weo seoraedo
neoreul hyanghaeganeun nae mamingeol
tarhjido anhni chuljido anhi
waeiri nae sarangeun

ch’ueok hanahana sego tto seneura
mameun hansido swijilmothae
kanugido himdeun chimman doelt’ende
wae nan peorijido mothaneunji

cheongmal kaseumi eotteohke dwaettnabwa
nunmeon sarange paboga doettnabwa
ojik hangotman maeil hangotman
neoran seulp’eun pich’eul paraboda
nunmul saemmajeodo kojangi nattnabwa
chakku nunmuli meojjil anha
keujeo hanmadiman saranghae hanmadiman
naege marhaejumyeon andoeni

soneul ppeodeobwado amuri pulleodo
neoneun naegeseo meolgiman hae
ap’eun sangch’eoman doel sarangilt’ende
wae nan jiujido mothaneunji

cheongmal kaseumi eotteohke dwaettnabwa
nunmeon sarange paboga doettnabwa
ojik hangotman maeil hangotman
neoran seulp’eun pich’eul paraboda
nunmul saemmajeodo kojangi nattnabwa
chakku nunmuli meojjil anha
keujeo hanmadiman saranghae hanmadiman
naege marhaejumyeon andoeni

niga useumyeon nado haengbokhadan
keojitmallo nal wirohae pojiman
niga hyanghaeseon kot naega aniraseo
wiroun nunmuli heulleo

cheongmal simjangi eotteohke dwaenabwa
himdeul neomuna saranghaeseo
keujeo handajiman ni ma-eum handajiman
naege nanweojumyeon andoeni

nareul saranghamyeon andoeni

This song is so……….well said

My last glasses was too heavy for my head to bear.. when I use it too long, I get headache and earsache. Meeting such fact, early this month I decided to buy a new glasses. the new one is way lighter, the frame is quite different than the others I have too. Loving it so much but there’s been an odd coming.. how come when I use my new glasses for reading or working in front of the computer, I can’t see clearly? I can only see clearly when it’s far distance? does it mean that my eyes are going for plus? T_T huhuhuhuhuhu enuf my feet to bear the impact T_T

talking about my feet.. they get bloated again..it’s been a week since it stopped for a 2 days. afraid to eat many many things nowadays..and the drug is difficult to find :((

talking about my capability to memorize..i kept forgetting a lot of conversation schemes -_- if somebody by any chance pull it out again, i can only give dumb face to them and say “when did we talk about this? when did I say that? are you sure we had that conversation before? how come i can’t remember at all?” and they said that it’s been only a few days to a week away  -_-

Can’t somebody call the brain repair shop please :’(

Owh, haven’t you heard? yup yup, those events were canceled. so many plans I’d made to greet those upcoming months, I’m fine with it though.. I believe there will be something great to come after.

November’s event was being canceled due to human error or I might say local party error ;p for not being capable to listen thoroughly every detail information given. stupid mistake I say. We’d already spent quite a lot of money for it.

December’s event was being canceled due to…..well, not much i can tell but the condition is failed to apply?

Anyhow, we’re hoping that Rinjani project will get a goal and we are all crossing our fingers on it. The project will be settling down our financial security until 5 years ahead.

Had stayed in Bali for almost 2 years but never even once came to mind to visit Lombok ;p

I’ve been trying to rebuild a connection between I and him for the past week, yet I met a lot of difficulties mostly technical and a bit non technical (and why i make this sounded like a task by using those terms?). Name it wrong time, fell asleep, struck by something that need both my hands and my brain to focus hard, bad internet connection, sickness zaps, and many more.

Serendipity? beats me..

But by doing such effort makes me realizes that I kinda look aggressive. kinda make me cheap too *sigh*. It’s so not me T.T. A BIG NO NO for the original me T.T I’m wondering..what is his feeling for me now.. his thought about me.. I really don’t want to push somebody to accept me just because I make the effort towards him or he being pity for me.

Confusing indeed..it’s like I have two splits roles that whenever i tried to be a sister who really cares for him just like I used to, i couldn’t get it in place.. too much consideration got in the way..too much wondering, too much fear, too many borderlines..

Sad indeed..we’ve started our friendship so great and look where we are now. Sometimes i think maybe it would be better if I just kept the secret rather than revealed it. yeah, at least I will still have a dear brother. things wouldn’t get as complicated as today.

Serendipity? let’s just say it is.. then I need to stop all of these efforts.. If I’m indeed wanted..the condition will apply, no need to push anything, let alone faith and destiny. For I don’t want to end up hating each other. Not even close to brother-sisterhood.

For once, I would love to be a robot who acts according to program and SOP, so that everything will be going perfectly, no syntac error whatsoever

For once, I would love to have somebody hold my hands, be my eyes, guide my feet and lead my way, so that I will never feel lost

For once, I would love to have a connection more lasting than just 6 months or less..So that I know, it’s not a chain of curse or something. yeah, that would be great

For once, I would love to have somebody who never gives up searching and looking out for me, so that I know, I am deserved

For once, I would love to have somebody who fully believe in me, that even mom can’t lay it down for the simplest thing like closing the door or turning off the lights or fetching up my own sister.

For once, just for once..I would love to be flawless. No one will ever misjudge or misinterpret or misunderstand or misread my state of being.